The Massage Incident
I'm Kirill. Moved to Chiang Mai a couple years ago. Like every expat with good intentions, I decided I was going to learn Thai.
Chiang Mai, a spa on Nimman Road with an air conditioning that actually works. I walked in like I'd been getting Thai massages my whole life. Two months of Duolingo, a few hundred flashcards. I could order as many pad thais as I wanted, too.
Then came the massage.
She asked what kind of massage. I took a breath. This was my moment.
"นวดแรงๆ ได้ไหม"
I said it confidently. Or at least, I said it loud. Strong massage, please.
The masseuse snorted. Then called her colleague over.
They made me repeat it. Twice. Both of them cackling, wiping tears from their eyes. I smiled along. I had no idea what was funny, but I wasn't going to be the only one not laughing.
"Farang poot Thai geng mak!"
one said, giving me a thumbs up. Foreigner speaks Thai very well! Was she being sarcastic? At this point I'd lost the ability to tell.
Turns out I'd butchered the tone on "แรง" (raeng — strong). Instead of a rising tone, I used a falling one. Instead of asking for a strong massage, I'd asked her to massage me... violently.
A few times during the session when she pressed harder, she'd repeat that phrase again and giggle. That certainly made me feel something. I'm still not sure what.
Don't get me wrong, that was a great massage and my back felt great. I tipped well. Not because of the massage — which was excellent — but because I needed them to forget my face.
Anyway, this is just a cringy story, but if you actually want to get better at Thai — you should get corrected by a real teacher, not apps.
I looked this up after the massage. Five tones. I was confidently using maybe two of them. Both wrong.
So I started looking for someone who would actually tell me when I'm wrong. Tried group classes first — not enough speaking time, too much sitting around. Tried to find a private tutor offline, in person. Couldn't find anyone good. Eventually gave up and went online.
That's when I found Kru Ploy. Brilliant teacher. Speaks Thai and English fluently. After a few lessons, I thought — okay, this actually works. Why not turn this into a real school?
Here's the thing: I have a terrible memory. I wouldn't call myself a smart person. But I know how to build systems. So I designed the 90-minute lesson structure — exactly how many times to review each word, when to review it, how to make it stick. Kru Ploy brings the teaching. I bring the method. Together, we built Thai Class.
The class is 90 minutes on Zoom. You show up, you try to say something, you mess it up, the teacher corrects you. To your face. In real time. But it's the only thing that actually works, and I would know.
There are three plans. $199 if you're busy, $279 if you're serious, and $349 if you're moving to Thailand next month and starting to panic.
You probably have the same questions I had.
Good. Most people walk in knowing "sawadee" and nothing else. That was me three months ago.
Zoom. 90 minutes. You talk, they correct. Materials before, homework after. It's not complicated, it's just consistent.
Mornings, evenings, weekends. US, Europe, Australia timezones. Pick what works, show up.
Join another session that week. They're recorded too. But honestly, the live ones are where it happens.
Yeah. 30 minutes free. No card. I was skeptical too.
Alright. If you've read this far, you're probably thinking about it. Next group starts April 1.
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